Consent-The Reality of Shame

There are many reasons for enduring unwanted connections. Throughout working with clients and feeling the landscape of sexuality in our culture as well as my own personal experience, I came to meet an aspect that is very much present in most of us, if not all of us, which is the presence of shame.

There is a common sense of shame that we tend to feel after allowing and going along with undesired intimate situations. It is usually a result of what we did or didn't do and the choices that we made. 

Yet, there is another aspect of shame that I would like to highlight here. It is more of an underlying shame that is more difficult to see and recognize because it is so rooted in our cultural psyche and our human experience. 

It is the shame that led us to endure undesired situations to begin with while assuming that something is wrong with us, the way we feel and that we need to fix it. 

It is here where we can convince ourselves that “only if… then…” For example, only if we tolerate unwanted touch and not listen to our boundaries, then there is the hope that eventually we will break through and heal what we think are our ‘intimacy blocks’.

This shame can affect directly or indirectly many of the choices and misunderstandings that we experience. If we feel that something is wrong with us and that we need to fix it, it is common to believe that something might be wrong or off with the way we feel. Our  immediate signals that we get from our body and heart about what feels good and what doesn’t, are not as trusted or even rejected.  We tend to see our initial gut feelings as a problem that we need to overcome instead of something to listen to and embrace. 

When we have a sense of shame it is common to bypass or disconnect from how we really feel. Sex and intimacy can become an out of reality experience, an image, instead of a real way to feel and connect. In situations like that we tend to compare or take the blame. “What is wrong with me? I have an issue with intimacy. How come everyone can let go and enjoy themselves?”  Some may feel that they are too high maintenance and impossible to attend, that they are just too much!!! 

It is common to try to change these ‘intimacy blocks’ by forcing openness or trying to fix our feelings. True openness can’t be forced. There is damage that can be done by forcing ourselves to open prematurely. So many of the consent accidents live here.

To conclude, in intimacy, we can go along with undesired situations with the hope that it will fix us or get us somewhere while we are disconnecting from our own feelings. We are breaking our own boundaries in the hope for healing our sense of brokenness. 

When we are aware of the subtle levels of our feelings and sensations while knowing our hidden shame and the reasons behind our decisions, we can trust ourselves. Here we can make choices that are in alignment with our inner truth and can serve us without crossing our own boundaries.